Daisuki Desu

Critical Conditions

2008-08-20T20:16:00.000+08:00

I hold the hands of people I never touch.
I provide comfort to people I never embrace.

I watch people walk into brick walls, same ones and over and over again, and I coax them to turn around and try to walk in a different direction.

People rarely see me gladly. As a rule, I catch the residue of their despair. I see people who are broken, and people who only think they are broken. I see people who have had their faces rubbed in their failures. I see weak people wanting anesthesia and strong people who wonder what they have done to make such an enemy of fate. I am often the final pit stop people take before they crawl across the finish line that is marked: I give up.

Some people beg me to help.
Some people dare me to help.

Sometimes the beggars and dare-ers look the same. Absolutely the same. I’m supposed to know how to tell them apart.

Some people who visit me need scar tissue to cover their wounds. Some people who visit me need their wounds opened further, explored for signs of infection and contamination. I make those calls, too.

Some days I’m invigorated by it all. Some days I’m numbed.

Always I’m humbled by the role of helper.
And, occasionally, I’m ambushed.

- Stephen White

Solitude

2008-07-01T16:11:00.001+08:00

If I were to describe my heart now, it would be broken, bleeding and covered with ice.

And that ice is the one that’s making it feel numb. Yes, the coldness sets in. My heart just finally gave up hurting. My mind finally stops thinking too much. Earphones on my ears, sound volumes to the extreme, music so loud that I am letting it flew my mind into somewhere else, to the dreamland where heartache never happens.

I am living now with myself and I have to learn dealing with it.

Living in solitude and not loneliness.

Clueless

2008-06-25T08:35:00.001+08:00

Here I am, facing a blank page of notebook while handling a pen, trying to gather all my senses to be able to write a good piece of junk! I want to pour out all my emotions and there’s no way I can express them but through writing.

Am I being unreceptive again? Or could it be the other party? Hell! Why is it so hard for me to balance things and situations? When I care, I care too much that I often mistaken it for love. Or am I still mistaken? For I think I’d stopped believing in that special feeling. Do I still know the meaning of love or have I forgotten how to love?

There’s this ‘someone’ who I love talking to. Like my days isn’t complete without having a good conversation with her. I remember telling her how I would like to know this one particular person ‘cause I think that person is worth having a conversation with. And this is what she’d told me: “Good conversation, is that all you want? She might be something but don’t you want to have someone you can call your own?” Her words hit me like they keep on repeating in my head. “Someone to call my own?” It made me stop and paused for a while to analyze my life. Experiencing an unbearable heartache had thought me to play safe. Like all I want is to have a romantic moment with the one I like or love without being attached. The journey went on for six lame years. Yep, I had felt love for couple of times but never had the courage to be attach, yet still hurting every time things turned out the way I don’t want it to be. I lack confidence and I believe I can’t be a reason for someone’s happiness. That I can only add up to someone’s burden. Like saying, “I love you but I don’t want us to be together ‘cause I can’t fulfill all you need.”

A good friend and a confidant told me, “if you want to be love the way you wanted to be loved, learn to love yourself first.” And this is where the problem lies. I love and care too much for other people to the extent that I am forgetting to leave some care for myself. As the song says,

“I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel.”

Let’s go back to that someone who had made me realize what’s missing in my life. Yes, I felt attached with that someone. I thought she means something when she told me, “I don’t want to be just something, I want to be ‘someone’.” Darn! When I asked her what she means, she told me that it is for me to find out.

I am someone who is so much into sensible conversations. Non-sense things or topics I see as unhealthy for me. I pity those who does nothing but to talk about other people’s lives not realizing that they’re worse than those who they’re talking about. I am someone who sees and analyzes things in a different way. I think too much and there were times when my mind just gave up analyzing and absorbing things, which are too much to handle. Rude as it may sound but I am scared of being influenced by insensible people around me. Yep, I laugh and talk with them but never let me drag into non-sense topics. When the conversation doesn’t fascinate me, I tend to just keep quiet. And since I’m deep, I go for someone who has the equal deepness personality as mine. I find it challenging to talk with people whom I can test my knowledge. Err.. Am I being too deep that no one is able to dig what’s really within me?

Uhm, am I being unfair with the people around me? That I still feel alone despite of this huge crowd I’m spending my days with everyday? Or is it because they’re not simply who I need. Right now, there’s only one person whom I’m sharing my sentiments with. Though we may knew each other online, she’s a very good friend whom I can trust all the things that’s going on in my life.

Until now I’m clueless which path to take. I need a good transformation. I need to start thinking for my future and the life ahead of me. There are lots of things, which I need so I guess I have to start minding about my life. Start valuing my existence more than anything else. I don’t know what’s in store for me but I believe that I am already prepared for whatever this challenging world will throw up on me.

I resigned myself to thinking. – loislearns

Unwithering Flower

2008-05-05T16:59:00.007+08:00

I was walking around when I find myself in a garden full of blooming flowers. All of which are beautiful but one rare flower caught my attention. It blooms shyly under the warm sun but its beauty can never be hidden. Mesmerize by the way its petals open, I decided to pick it up. Unaware of its torn, I cut myself. The blood began to drip but I ignored the pain. I know what I did was wrong because sooner, the rare flower will start to wither. I went home, staring at the rare flower on my palm. I was thinking of the best way to preserve its beauty but couldn’t think of any. I took a book from the shelf, turned the pages one by one, finding the right spot to put the flower. Stopped at page 143 then inserted it. But as I browse from pages to pages, I found withered flowers that are also inserted inside the book. I came to realize that I already collected a lot. But the beauty of that rare flower that wounded my finger will be one of those most precious ones.

Insight:

i am employed in a company with lots of pretty faces but one face stands out from the crowd.. she caught my attention and i started to go after her.. i tried to win her but she just caused me pain.. since she already know that i feel something special for her, she began to move away.. i know it's my fault why the friendship got drowned.. and now the only ones left are the memories we had together that i kept within my heart.. looking back, i came to realize that i had liked and loved a lot but that one i met in this company will always be one of those who has been so special to me..

Unquenched Love

2008-05-02T02:25:00.000+08:00

Do you ever wonder why everytime we read romance novels or watch classic movies; we often dream that it is us who are in the story? How we wished to be rescued by our charming prince and be awakened by the touch of our lovely princess. But that is only in our fantasy because as we woke up on our real world, here comes the heartaches that brought so much by our endless dreaming. We let our minds be blinded by it only to be disillusioned in the end because what had happened to us is far from what we are dreaming of. We blame it to others but the truth is it is us who really made our life more miserable…
“Hi Angelle! Would you mind if I sit beside you?” approached Mark.
“No. Here, take a seat.” said Angelle.
“Thanks.”
They were at the library that afternoon.
“So how are you… a-nd Vic?” asked Mark.
“Getting worse. It’s been days since we last talked. I have no idea what’s going on with him.” as Angelle’s tears began to fall.
“Oh, c’mon. Maybe he’s just busy. Save your tears. He’s not worth it.” Mark trying to cheer-up Angelle.
He hated how Vic treated his best friend.
“What do you mean?”
“Hey, nothing. I just want you to stop crying.”
“I see. I thought you were trying to say something. Thanks then. You’re in-deed a friend.”
‘FRIEND’. That’s the most painful word he had ever heard from her. He wants them to be more than friends but what can he do when it’s Vic who occupies Angelle’s heart. And that damn Vic doesn’t even bother to know what’s going on with his girlfriend.
“If only I’m Vic, I’ll promise to take good care of you.,” he whispered to himself.
“Are you saying something? You keep on murmuring.” she said.
“Huh?! Nothing. I’m just playing with my angels.” he answered with a bitter smile.
Mark and Angelle were best friends. Mark was a transferee and he will never forget how they met. It was just an ordinary day. He knew no one. As he walks upstairs searching for his room, he saw a lady arguing with a man.
“LQ?” he thought.
Then he continues going upstairs. It’s still 30 minutes before his first class and he’s the only one inside the classroom. He waited until a lady came in crying. The same lady he saw arguing with the man. Seeking new friends he asked the lady.
“Hi! Are you an engineering student, too?”
No answer. Just a nod and the lady continue crying.
“Here, wipe your tears.” as he gave his handkerchief to the lady.
“Listen, I saw you arguing with that man downstairs. Is he your boyfriend?” he continued asking.
Needing someone to cheer her up, she nodded.
“Well, care to tell me your problem? I’ll be willing to listen.”
Not minding that he is still a stranger she began to tell what really happened.
“I saw him holding hands with someone. He said she was just a friend but I don’t believe him because I saw how he caressed the girl he is with.”
“And then?” asked Mark.
“Hell! What would you feel if you saw your girlfriend on that situation?!” Angelle shouted unaware of the students coming into the room.
“Me?! Perhaps I’ll be mad but I won’t cry.” he answered.
“Of course you’ll not cry. You’re a man. But what about us? We girls, are serious in every relationship we commit unlike guys who feels that the more girlfriend they had, the more handsome they were.”
“Ouch! Don’t speak like that. I’m a man and I know that not all of us is like what you’re thinking.” said Mark.
“Yah. Not all of you… but most of you were like that!”
“Not me.” Mark came to a defense.
“You’re not one of them?!” as she rose her right eyebrow.
“Yes you are! You’re the king of ‘em!” she began to smile.
“Yeah. That’s better. You look better when you smile.” praised Mark.
“Okay, enough. Our professor’s here!”
“Oh, I’ll just sit beside you, okay?”
“Sure.” she answered.
“By the way, what’s your name?” asked Mark.
“I’m Angelle, and you?” she asked him back.
“My name is Mark Reyes. Nice meeting you Angelle.”
“Nice meeting you, too.”
It’s been months since that happened and here they are again. Same scene. Trying to cheer-up his best friend.
“Okay, would you promise to stop crying if I’ll invite you for a lunch?” he asked.
“Silly! You don’t have to do that. I’ll stop crying if that’s what you want. I’m sorry.” Angelle apologized.
“Sorry for what?” Mark asked.
“Sorry for giving you problems.” she replied.
“Oh, c’mon, we’re best friends and it’s my pleasure to see you smile.”
“Thanks. By the way, I heard about Liz liking you. Why not grab the opportunity. She’s a good catch.” Angelle teasing Mark.
Yah. She’s good but I don’t love her. I love somebody else.”
“Somebody else? Whoa! My friend is in-love? So who’s the lucky girl that catches your stone heart?”
“I can’t tell you now but once I catches her heart you’ll be the first one to know about it… ‘Cause it’s you.” having the last three words whispered.
“If you only knew that it’s you I’m dreaming of every night but I know I’m only a friend to you.” Mark talking to himself.
Days gone by but the feelings he had for her remains unchanged. He love her even more but the fear of losing her best friend helps him in controlling his feelings for her until a chance came in…
Mark heard a knock from their door. As he opened it he saw Angelle, again, crying.
“Vic broke-up with me!” she sobbed.
“What?! Tell me what really happened.”, as he lead her to the sofa.
“He calls me up. He told me his parents would petition him. He’s going to the states.”, as her sobs become louder.
“Hey, stop crying. If you are destined to be with him then time will come and you will see him holding you. Just wait, okay? I’m still here, your best friend, if you feel pain then I felt it twice. I do care for you and I don’t want to see anyone hurting you. I love you! Please don’t cry!”
“I’m sorry if I’m making it worse. Thanks for understanding me.”
He must be happy because he had already told her what he really feels but there’s no response to the words.
“Maybe this is not the right time. She’s still broken hearted. I can wait.”, he thought.
Days passed by and he felt that this is the right time for him to tell his feelings for her.
“Hi Angelle! Can I invite you for a dinner tonight?”, he asked.
“For what?”’ asked Angelle.
“I got good grades in Digital Fundamentals.”’ He answered.
“Oh, that’s great! Okay, pick me up at eight.”
“Okay then. See you tonight my girl, I mean Angelle.”, as he left with a smile on his face.
Night falls as he drives the car along the North Expressway. Turning right to Balagtas exit and straight ahead down to the last house built right beside a broad field. He fells the coldness of the air blowing right from the window of his car. It’s only August but the air blows like it’s already December. He gets off the car, walked to the front door and knocked. A lovely princess opened the door. Of course it’s his friend Angelle.
“Good evening. Where’s everyone?, asked Mark.
“They’re in my Aunt’s house. I didn’t go with them because I had promised you this date.”, she answered.
“I’m sorry. Anyway, can we go now?”, he asked.
“Yah, sure.”, she said.
“By the way, congratulations!” as she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Thanks! Let’s go then.”, he feels like heaven on that simple kiss.
He took Angelle to a restaurant not far from her home.
“I have something to tell you, Angelle.”
“What is it, Mark?”, she asked.
“Well, it’s about us. I mean, my feelings for you. I know you already have a hint that you’re special to me not only because you’re my best friend but also because… “I love you! You’re my inspiration. You’re the reason why I got good grades.’, said Mark.
Angelle’s eyes widened. Was this her friend Mark? She never saw his eyes this serious before. She knew that Mark wants her more than a friend does but she’s not taking it seriously because her heart was occupied by Vic. But Vic was gone, long enough to mend her heart and it’s her best friend Mark who is always beside her. Will she going to accept his proposal? She felt nothing for him.
“Mark, are you sure with what you feel?”, though she knew he was more than serious but she want proofs and the words from his mouth is enough to make her believe.
“Yah, I’m sure. I longed been kept this feeling because you had your boyfriend Vic. I know how much you loved him but he’s gone and what you need is someone who will help you moved on.”
“I know I need someone to help me moved on but you know how complicated my life is. Do you want to make your life miserable because of me?”
“I’m willing if it means having you. Through that I can show you how much I love you.” Mark said with sincerity in his eyes.
“You know how much I love Vic and until now you know that I still love him. I can’t promise to give you the kind of love I had given him.”
“Yeah. I know you loved him that much but I’ll take it as a challenge. I’ll do anything to win your heart. I’ll try my best to make you fall for me.”
“If you’re sure about yourself and I know how sincere and insistent you are, I’ll accept you now not because I already love you but because I hope by time I’ll learn to love you. Please give me enough time to do that.”
“Thanks. I promise I will never make you cry.”, he smiled but he can’t hide the sadness in his eyes. He wants her so bad and he don’t care what will his life be as long as he is with her. He will never forget that night, August 23, 2001.
Although he expected his life to be miserable, he can’t believe he will suffer so much. Every time they talk, Vic is always the topic. She always tells how good Vic was. He knew he has the right to be jealous and yet he was jealous but he always remember the set-up of their relationship. He promised to himself that every decision made would be on Angelle’s consent. So if she wants this kind of relationship then he has nothing to do about it. What he wants is for her to be happy even if her happiness means lot of sufferings for him.
“Was this what they called ‘One-sided-love-affair?, he whispered to himself.
But it became worse when Angelle approached him on Christmas Day.
“I think this relationship is going nowhere.” Angelle began.
“What do you mean?”, asked Mark.
“I can’t teach myself to love you. I’m sorry.”
“Why? Did I fail to give you the love you need? I had given you my best!”
“No. You had given me enough love but I guess it will never work out between the two of us.”
“Was that the real reason?”
“Okay, I’m seeing somebody else. I’m sorry.” Angelle explained.
“That’s what I thought.”, he said sarcastically.
“So who’s the lucky guy?”
“Ryan, my crewmate.”
“I see… If you think that’s the best thing to do, then let’s go on with our own… Hope you made the right decision… Wish you happiness… Thanks for everything… Bye…”, as he gave her a warm kiss on her lips. The last kiss he can do for the only person he will love for the rest of his life.
He forgot to say something, he went back.
“Angelle, I want you to know that I’ll always be here loving you. My feelings for you will never change. In case you’ll going to need me, I’ll always be here for you. That’s how much I love you. By the way, would you mind if I came to your house? I’ll just say goodbye to your family.”, asked Mark.
“No problem. Come on the 27th. I’m really sorry, Mark.”
“It’s okay. That’s life. I must accept the fact that we can’t be together. You’re too good for me.”
“Don’t say that! Just wait for the right time and she will come.”
“You’re the only one I’ll be waiting for till the rest of my life. You’re my life! You’re my life. I know I can’t have you. I should go. See you on the 27th. Bye.”
December 27, he’s standing again in front of Angelle’s door but the one who opened the door was Angelle’s sister.
“Hi Pam! Where’s Angelle?”, asked Mark.
“She’s inside… with his boyfriend.”
“You mean Vic is here?”
“No. It’s her crewmate Ryan.” She replied.
“Please come in.”
“No. Just give here these. I don’t want to disturb her with her guy. Thanks. I’ll go. Bye.”, as he gave her three soft-roll cake, her favorite, and three white roses.
He’s a man but he can’t control his tears. He’s mad about the world that gave him too many sufferings. With his eyes blinded by tears, he didn’t notice a truck crossing the street. It’s too late to step on the breaks yet too late for him to be rescued. He died not having experienced the beauty of life.

Angelle,
When you love someone, you have to fight for it. That’s why I’m willing t o fight for you, to make you realize how much I love you. But when I saw the look in your eyes whenever he’s around, I know I lost even before the fight began.”
Mark

Some facts:
the dates were real, how me met wasn’t and my gender also.. I played MARK in the story and the name she used was ANGELLE..

this is the story:
I was playing some mobile games were the server automatically search for an opponent… and yep, she was my opponent on that game.. since no one can guess the word I send her a PM asking for his or her (cuz I ain’t still sure about my opponent) number so we can just text each other instead.. yep, we became very good text pals..

Stories about Angelle and Vic were real, but having been petitioned was just an excuse cuz he really wanted Angelle to move on and forget him..

We became lovers when Vic and her was still together only with this condition..

“You know how much I love Vic and until now you know that I still love him. I can’t promise to give you the kind of love I had given him.”

You can read the date there.. that was real but something was missing on that part cuz I just found it out after we broke up.. two days after we became lovers, she also agreed to be a girlfriend of one of her text pals.. tsk..

The reason for our breakup I believe is also an excuse.. she told me that her mom finds out about us so that she has no choice but to break up with me..

Her story with Ryan is real too.. Angelle is a working student by that time and Ryan was really her crewmate.. darn! One time when we’re heading back here from Pangasinan, I asked my dad if we can drop by on McDonald’s Balagtas.. of course I didn’t told him why I wanna go there, but definitely my mom knows.. and yep, i had a chance to see her before her duty.. and also after that, while heading back to the van, I met this guy on my way and I have this strong feeling that he’s Ryan.. I dunno where I get that instinct but it was confirmed that he was Ryan.. Angelle told me that when she texted me after that meeting..

Oct17, few days before my 17th bday, I received the best gift.. she visited me here and we slept together..

Nov21, she made a way to visit me again..

Dec 27, we broke up..

So there It is.. my lame story.. thanks for reading! Godbless!

Wildflower

2008-04-30T08:44:00.004+08:00

“Darn this day!” she said as she sat beside me. “Hey why?” I asked. “I dropped my coin purse somewhere and my ATM and SIM card are in it. If only I knew this would happen then I probably not gone for work. Uhm, do you have any idea what to do in a lost ATM card?” she asked. “You’re unaware that you dropped it?” 'stupid' I thought. “Well, you can ask the supervisor in charge what to do in a lost card.” I answered. And so she asked the supervisor about it.
“Would you mind if I ask a favor? Err. Can I use your phone? I’ll just SMS someone.” she asked. And so I grab for my phone inside my pocket and gave it to her. “You got credits?”, she asked again. “Of course! Will I lend you my phone if I don’t?”, I exclaimed. And so she uses my phone to SMS someone. “Tell me if somebody replies, okay?”, she said. “Sure!”, I answered.
That was the second encounter. The first isn’t that significant at all, only the way she mispronounces my nickname. From then on she became my constant companion on meals during break times. It’s like returning the favor since either her or me will rush to the canteen to avoid the long queue of employees who are also taking their breaks. I’m not aware of her at all since I’m focused with somebody else. I see her as a buddy only during meals but never outside work. Things changed two weeks before her end of contract. She decided to drop by in my boarding house so she can watch her favorite Taiwanese series. Darn! Why did it have to be the time when my budget is tight? Blame it on that delayed salary!
There were times when we’re lying down on my bed and talked about almost everyone and everything in our work. I’m learning a lot from her and realized I’ve been left behind all these years. And so the visit went on for three days. Kinda funny everytime I hear the song “Tatlong Araw” by Parokya Ni Edgar.
“Tatlong araw lang pala ako naging maligaya, hindi ko man lang napuna, tatlong araw ko’y tapos na. Araw ng kalokohan, aking kinagalakan, hindi ko naunawaan na ako’y masusugatan. Hindi ako makapaniwala at ako’y natulala.. Lumulubog, lumalala ngunit ba’t biglang nawala?”
That was Monday through Wednesday. It was her last stay when I got the guts to ask her that stupid question. Got kinda hurt when I saw how she laughed while reading it. The answer is clear through her reaction, she couldn’t. She said she’ll react the next day.
The following day, I saw her in the gowning area but I was too shy to approach her yet she was the one to approach me. “Hindi ka na namamansin ah!”, that’s what she said. I really don’t know how to react towards her. Everything started to feel awkward. Darn! What is this I’m feeling? Err.. Was it a song? Lolz! Within those three consecutive days she stayed with me, I began to know her more. And the things I’m learning about her surprises me. She’s not what I thought she is. There’s deepness in her personality that only few were able to see.
Physical check, she’s not my type. She wears too much make up and dresses that are so fitting. But learning things about her changes everything.
I can still remember the day after her last visit. She said she couldn’t come since she got lots of clothes to wash. Sensitivity I guess, that’s the problem. I used to read between the lines and thought maybe she got disappointed about my stupid question and me. That might be the reason why she chooses not to come. I didn’t force her but when I was outside our work, I’m staring at the gate, waiting for her and hoping she’ll change her mind but that didn’t happen. Sigh.. Friday isn’t a good day too. There’s no chance she could stay with me since I’ll be traveling home right after work. And so weekends passed by having her only in my thoughts.
I communicate with my online friends having her as our topic. One of them says that I shouldn’t worry since I get easily distracted. Means that I’ll be liking someone new, sooner. Another friend says that I shouldn’t be messing up with someone like her. Haha! Presumptuous. Tsk!
There’s no work on Monday after that week since it was considered a special holiday. Tuesday and Wednesday, only the controller and me are the only tempos around our department. Thursday, I did hope she’ll come. I even call her up to plead for her to come. She said she’ll try yet said yes before the line drops. I thought if she’ll come, I’ll treat her on meals as a gratitude. I even made her an MP3 disc and inserted a copy of the lyrics “First Love” by Utada Hikaru.
Past 6pm and I’m starting to lose hope that she’ll come. I’m trying to call her number but darn this day, I ran out of credits! Until somebody says that she’s outside. I got excited of course! Haha! But her and her pal? How am I supposed to treat two people? Plans got ruined. So instead of her, I just treated our encoder. I really felt bad though. She’s cold. Or am I being too sensitive again? Argh! I still have the next day to do the plan of treating her but much to my dismay, her best pal showed up again. Darn!
I remember when I told her that I already know the man she’s talking about before. My cousin told me that. And she said it was long over. Far from what her reactions are when the guy showed up. “Lousy liar.” I thought. It’s obvious that she’s still affected. She wouldn’t react that way if she’s not. Well, so much for that.
But wait, few hours before our off to work, she asked me if I’ll be going home or just stay in my boarding house. I said I’ll stay in my boarding house. She asked me if she can come so she can sleep first before heading home. Absolutely yes! Got too excited! I can treat her meals at last! And I can spend time with her even for only few hours. Yippee! But when our work is over, she said she’ll just go home since she’s not sleepy anymore and I got disappointed again. Why fate is too bad for me? I don’t wanna plead just for her to come along with me yet I feel so bad. I hope she knows that. We were riding in a tricycle and my mind is out somewhere. Praying she’ll jump out once I got off, same thing, it didn’t happen. She wave goodbye as I got off and I dunno what reactions I had given her, I catch a glimpse of her for the last time and never looked back again. Once I get inside my room, I dropped my bag on my bed, changed my pants, lie down and forced myself to catch a sleep to avoid thinking again and to escape the reality I couldn’t bear by that time. Story ended. Don’t wanna talk further, my writings are more than enough for her to know that I learned to value her. Sayonara dahlia-san! Hana ga daisuki desu yo. Gomennasai, hountoni, gomennasai!

An Open Letter

2008-04-26T20:47:00.004+08:00

imma miss the talks we've had.. (the truth is, i am missing it now..) imma miss those shared meals.. (why didn't i noticed you earlier?!) imma miss your stories about everybody.. (you got lots to share and i still wanna hear those..) and most of all, imma miss the wild flower.. yeah, it's you.. lolz!

they say your name means "good taste".. i wonder if it's true.. tehe!

Wildflower

She's faced the hardest times you could imagine
and many times her eyes fought back the tears
and when her youthful world was about to fall in
each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of all her fears
and a silence no one hears
still rings in midnight silence, in her ears

Let her cry, for she's a lady
let her dream, for she's a child
let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

and if by chance I should hold her
let me hold her for a time
but if allowed just one possession
I would pick her from the garden, to be mine

Be careful how you touch her, for she'll awaken
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows
and when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe
the way she's always paying
for a debt she never owes
and a silent wind still blows
that only she can hear and so she goes

Let her cry, for she's a lady
let her dream, for she's a child
let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild..

A Dangerous Flower

2008-04-21T17:42:00.003+08:00

"You didn't save my life, you ruined my death."

Daisuki Desu

2008-04-09T18:06:00.003+08:00

gusto kitang yakapin.. gusto kitang mahalin.. alam ko pwede, pero alam kong HINDI DAPAT..

Out Of Boredom

2008-03-16T16:35:00.002+08:00

i wrote these lines the other night..

just as cute as she can be, she looks like a barbie
her eyes twinkle with joy and her lips pout so pretty
everybody's adoring her, treating her like a baby
because she is eighteen and free, isn't she lucky?

First Day At Work

2008-03-11T02:34:00.000+08:00

t'was my first day of work here in AVON.. unfortunately, cleo should be home by 10pm that's why i need to learn everything within four hours.. and gawd, why is it hard for me to memorize faces? there are already more than ten people that cleo introduced to me but i can only recall the faces of those two QAs, not because i wanted to but it is what is needed since it's them i should find for the inspection of those barcode stickers that i printed.. well, printing those stickers wasn't hard at all.. there were times when i encounter problems everytime i replace film and stickers but still it's adjustable.. i can fix it following cleo's instructions.. the people here are cool, though there's someone who i thought, got irritated but cleo told me that that kind of treatment is just normal if you're new.. i dunno the crowd around me.. the names and faces i can somewhat recall were Marivic, Nelson and Jenny.. Marivic & Nelson are the QA's assigned for tonight.. Jenny was the one who asked things about cleo and who i am that's why i asked for her name.. uhm, i guess there are almost 100 people around me but only 3 people whom i can recall the names..

it's 0112h on this PC's clock and 48 minutes more before the next 15-minute break.. imma get my brother's MP4 in my locker so i can listen to my choice of music while waiting for another batch of barcode stickers to be printed.. as of 0135h, i already printed 9,500 pcs of barcode stickers.. that was since cleo left me alone in front of these 2 PCs i work on.. it's cool printing though.. except for the newly-change roll of stickers and film glitches.. uhm, i'm hoping that someone will come again and ask for printed barcode stickers cuz i don't wanna get bored waiting the whole night only writing these stuffs!

well, what now? i guess imma compare my workplace now to where i had worked before.. i used to work on Hizon Laboratories Inc.. i am under production.. what so tough about my work before is that i don't have a permanent thing to do.. my duty depends on what work needs help.. sometimes i am one of those controllers (one who checks the manufacturing date and the expiration date if it is clearly printed), there were times that i am one of those packers, but it rarely happens since those regular employees are usually the ones who packs, i can also do weighing (those who, obviously, weigh those individual boxes to know if it contains the right quantity of caplets).. sometimes i'm inside the machine room to sort rejected caplets from those which are good.. one of the QAs on my previous work is so strict.. i don't know if it's is because her pregnant or she's really like that.. the other QA is somehow easy to get along with.. but who i miss the most are those people i worked with.. i miss our two operators, Kuya George and Kuya Sherwin.. i miss our line leaders, Ate Dang and Ate Arlyn.. and i miss those who are casual employees like me, Marisa, Romel and Vangie.. i miss their company.. it's only Marisa who i am still getting in touch with me.. i know vangie's place since we've been there but i have no time to visit her.. and i'm not really that someone who visits by surprise.. uhm, the rules here in AVON aren't that hard to follow compare to the rules on my previous work.. there, as much as possible, no one is allowed to sit while working, you SHOULDN'T wear make-ups and jewelries (which is a plus for me cuz i really don't wear such!), there are cameras almost everywhere, there are lots of restrictions there compare to here..

what i am missing? staying at home for almost four years, it ain't that easy for me to leave the comfort of my home.. sure i'd lived to other places, but this is the only time i'll be living in a place this far from my home where not one in my family is with me.. yeah i got small businesses at home.. uhm, reloading and cd burning.. but the money i earn from there isn't even enough to cover all my personal expenses unlike the money that i can make here.... though i rarely ask money from my parents (sometimes they are the ones who handed me money when they are in the mood), still they are my provider of shelter and food.. it's not that i always wanna be at home without a decent job, it's just that it ain't easy to find a job for someone like me who only took a year in college.. it's just lucky that i was recommended by my cousin to be employed here in this company.. it's time to get serious with life.. still not decided which addictness will i drop.. but surely, PC wouldn't be it for i've made lots of friends online..

Some FREE Useful Softwares I Recommend

2008-03-10T13:00:00.011+08:00

AVAST 4 Anti-Virus Home Edition

ANTIVIRUS KERNEL
* Almost 100% detection
* Outstanding performance
* Reasonable memory requirements
* ICSA certified

USER INTERFACE
* Memory test during the program startup
* Very intuitive Simple User Interface
* Testing whole disks or selected folders
* Working with the scan results - actions with infected files
* Virus encyclopedia
* Log Viewer
* Various appearances - skin support
* Running from Explorer context menu
* Antivirus screen-saver

UPDATES
* The system of incremental updates guarantees low traffic
* The updates can be completely automatic

RESIDENT PROTECTION
* Standard Shield protects the file system
* Generic SMTP/POP3/IMAP4 scanner
* Specific MS Outlook plugin
* Heuristic analysis in e-mail modules

REPAIRING
* Limited capability of direct repair (especially macroviruses)
* Repairing files using automatically generated Virus Recovery Database (VRDB)

PLATFORMS
* Windows 95
* Windows 98
* Windows Me
* Windows NT 4 (No Server)
* Windows 2000 (No Server)
* Windows XP (No Server)
* Windows Vista

Screenshot:

Download AVAST Home Edition
Register and get a free AVAST serial key
Visit AVAST Website

IZArc Archive Utility

IZArc is the ultimate freeware archive utility supporting many archive formats like: 7-ZIP, A, ACE, ARC, ARJ, B64, BH, BIN, BZ2, BZA, C2D, CAB, CDI, CPIO, DEB, ENC, GCA, GZ, GZA, HA, IMG, ISO, JAR, LHA, LIB, LZH, MDF, MBF, MIM, NRG, PAK, PDI, PK3, RAR, RPM, TAR, TAZ, TBZ, TGZ, TZ, UUE, WAR, XXE, YZ1, Z, ZIP, ZOO. With a modern easy-to-use interface, IZArc provides support for most compressed and encoded files, as well as access to many powerful features and tools. It allows you to drag and drop files from and to Windows Explorer, create and extract archives directly in Windows Explorer, create multiple archives spanning disks, creating self-extracting archives, repair damaged zip archives, converting from one archive type to another, view and write comments and many more. IZArc has also build-in multilanguage support.

With IZArc you can open CD image files like ISO, BIN, CDI and NRG. It is also possible to convert such files from one type to another (BIN to ISO, NRG to ISO).

Screenshot:

Download IZArc Archive Utility
Visit IZArc Website

Mozilla Firefox Web Browser

i've been using firefox since i bought my new PC two years ago and i can definitely say that it is way better than Microsoft Internet Explorer.. Firefox is less likely to crash compare to IE.. though IE 7 also offers add-ons now, Firefox's add-ons are more usable than those available on IE.. another important thing is the ActiveX and some scripts that doesn't work automatically or not work at all on IE due to some issues.. the only function left for IE is when you download those Windows Updates since there's no way you can download the updates using Firefox.. but without that function, you can already dump Internet Explorer out of your PC system..

Screenshot:

Download Mozilla Firefox
Visit Mozilla Firefox Website

Orbit Downloader

Orbit Downloader, leader of download manager revolution, is devoted to new generation web (web2.0) downloading, such as video/music/files from Myspace, YouTube, Imeem, Pandora, Rapidshare. And to make general downloading easier and faster.

* 1. Download social music, social video and streaming media
* 2. Extreme download acceleration.
* 3. Super Light: micro-sized and resource-friendly
* 4. Support RapidShare download.
* 5. Support IE, Firefox, Maxthon, Opera.
* 6. Support Metalink download.
* 7. Support HTTP, HTTPS, FTP, MMS, RTSP and RTMP protocols.
* 8. Support Proxy server configuration.
* 9. Support download pasue and resume.
* 10.General download management.

Screenshot:

Download OrbitDownloader
Visit OrbitDownloader Website

RIVA FLV Encoder And Player

Riva FLV Encoder is a powerful video converter that lets you convert different formats like AVI MOV WMV & MPG to FLV and vice versa.. it can also encode FLV formats (downloaded YouTube videos format) to MP3..

Screenshot:

Download Riva FLV Encoder
Visit Riva Website

A Quick Guide In Solving The Rubik's Cube (3x3x3) Layer By Layer Method

2008-03-06T13:20:00.020+08:00

Short History:

Rubik's Cube is a mechanical puzzle invented in 1974 by Hungarian sculptor and professor of architecture Ernő Rubik. Originally called the "Magic Cube" by its inventor, this puzzle was renamed "Rubik's Cube" by Ideal Toys in 1980 and also won the 1980 German Game of the Year (Spiel des Jahres) special award for Best Puzzle. It is said to be the world's best-selling toy, with some 300,000,000 Rubik's Cubes and imitations sold worldwide.

In a typical Cube, each face is covered by nine stickers of one of six solid colours. When the puzzle is solved, each face of the Cube is a solid colour. The Cube celebrated its twenty-fifth anniversary in 2005, when a special edition Cube in a presentation box was released, featuring a sticker in the centre of the reflective face (which replaced the white face) with a "Rubik's Cube 1980-2005" logo.

The puzzle comes in four widely available versions: the 2×2×2 (Pocket Cube, also Mini Cube or Ice Cube), the 3×3×3 standard cube, the 4×4×4 (Rubik's Revenge), and the 5×5×5 (Professor's Cube). Even larger sizes have been built and are to be launched in September of 2008.

-source Wikipedia

my fascination with Rubik's Cube began when i visited one of my friend's apartment.. another friend found a Rubik's Cube and attempted to solve it but she just couldn't.. so then, i search on the net for some of those easiest way on how to solve it and found these two-part video by Dan Brown.

First Part:

Second Part:

Sides of the Rubik's Cube

Notations Initials and Meanings:
F (Front) - rotate the front side clockwise
FI (Front Inverted) - rotate the front side counter-clockwise
U (Up) - rotate the top side clockwise
UI (Up Inverted) - rotate the top side counter-clockwise
D (Down) - rotate the bottom side clockwise
DI (Down Inverted) - rotate the bottom side counter-clockwise
L (Left) - rotate the left side clockwise
LI (Left Inverted) - rotate the left side counter-clockwise
R (Right) - rotate the right side clockwise
RI (Right Inverted) - rotate the right side counter-clockwise

Here's the list of Algorithms that were shown on these videos:

A PIECE FOR THE CROSS ON TOP SIDE FLIP THE WRONG WAY

Before

just do this algorithm:

Fi U Li Ui

After

CORNER PIECE FOR THE TOP LAYER

for us to say that a piece of cube is in the right orientation, that piece should match the colors of the three sides where it is located..

SAMPLE ILLUSTRATION

sometimes you will find that piece on the top corner but still in the right orientation, there's no problem with it.. either way, you'll just have to follow this algorithm:

RI DI R D

once you're done with the corner pieces, your top side and first layer is now solved and should look something like this:next would be solving the corner pieces found on the second layer.. in order to solve those pieces, you first need to flip the cube upside down so that the solve pieces will be at the bottom.. then you'll need to find a middle edge piece on top that doesn't contain the same color as the center piece on top side..

SOLVING THE SECOND LAYER

SAMPLE ILLUSTRATION

having the above condition where the yellow should go on the left side, you need to follow this algorithm:

UI LI U L U F UI FI

if the middle piece should go on the right side then you just have to do the reverse of the first algorithm for the middle layer:

U R UI RI UI FI U F

by following those algorithms, you should be able to solve the second layer and should look something like this:

SOLVING THE LAST LAYER

next thing that you have to make is a cross on the top layer..
these are the 3 conditions you may before you can reach the cross on top:

once you're on the second condition where there's an inverted "L" shape that can be found on top, you'll have to follow the following algorithm until the cross on top is shown:

F R U RI UI FI

once you reach the cross, the next thing to do is to match those middle pieces that can be found on top edges with the middle piece that can be found on sides.. no matter what the cross on top looks like, there should be two middle piece on top that can be match with the center piece on side..

SAMPLE ILLUSTRATION

meeting the above condition, flip the Rubik's cube so that one of the matching side is on the right side and the other at the back.. once you're on that position, all you need to do is to follow this algorithm:

R U RI U R U U RI

sometimes the matching pieces are in opposite sides (one on front side and one at the back or one on the left side and one at the right side).. all you have to do is to position the cube where one of that matching side will be in front and one at the back then do that same algorithm:

R U RI U R U U RI

do that algorithm until all the middle pieces are matched with the center pieces on the sides..

next would be solving the corner pieces on the top side.. in order to do this, the 4 corner pieces should be in the right orientation.. find a corner piece that is in the right orientation and position it on the lower right as shown below:
when you're in this position, just do the following algorithm:

U R UI LI U RI UI L

you can use this algorithm once or twice but no more than twice.. do the algorithm until the 4 corner pieces are in the right orientation..

once the 4 corner pieces are in the right orientation, the last thing that is left to do is to flip those 4 corner pieces in the right position.. in order to do this, you will need to do the following algorithm:

RI DI R D

it may look like you're messing up the entire cube but never worry for in the end, you will find the four pieces where it should be.. once a corner piece is on the right position, you just need to rotate the top 90 degrees counter-clockwise then do the RI DI R D algorithm again.. do these steps until four corner pieces are on the right place.

and there, you're done solving the Rubik's cube! Congratulations!

On With The Search

2008-03-05T01:06:00.005+08:00

had you tried to Google your name? well i did.. lolz!

when i use my whole name as keywords, i found links on some of my accounts like Flixster, Friendster, Esnips and a part of my YM conversation i posted on my Friendster Blog.. nothing to be ashamed of.. tehe! next up, i searched using my nickname with my last name and only saw one result (only on the first page) that's mine, a wikimap where our house can be seen and it says, "Bahay ni MeAnn Pimentel" with caption "d2 kami nakatirang family pimentel and ung line ng mga haus namin mga mag anak ng mom q. caleja clan ang line na 2.. dito nakatira sina anna, bryan, bernadette, rojan na produkto ng sumulong." well i hope no one will have the interest to drop a bomb on my place.. haha! but it's so cool to mark your place on a map that can be seen online and you can use to tell exactly where you are located..

and this is what surprises me, when i search using my username "roswell1023". the result reaches 10 pages.. most of the results are from my IMEEM account, those who favorited my files and those who put link of my files on their own sites.. some of them are my comments on different sites, multiply (teenuh).. but what caught my attention are other search engines that shows the videos i created and posted on YOUTUBE.. not that bad cuz they put my username as part of the credits.. but what bothers me were the models i put on those created videos.. you see, i created videos for two people who used to be a part of my life.. i do hope they won't request me to delete those videos.. i can make them private videos if they want but i will never delete them.. these are the videos..

this one is Aby's video.. i thought of making a video using the online tools provided by OneTrueMedia.com and here's the result:

as of today, this video already reaches 330 views and commented twice by one person..

another video i made for her was this:

this one got only 10 views since i switched it to a private video..

the following are videos i created for Owen..

this is a re-edited video since i wasn't satisfied with the original video:

i featured the song "All Over Me" on this video..

another video i created for Owen.. t'was second to the last video i made using that site.. the last video i created was requested by a friend:

this video features the song "Gravity" by Sarah Bareilles..

so, will you gonna try to google yourself too? go on! see if the results will also surprise you like what it did to me.. haha!

Numbness Over Me

2008-03-02T20:17:00.008+08:00

dunno but lately, it seems like i don't feel any pain anymore or maybe i'm refusing to feel it.. or could it possibly that i'm just really tired being in pain? hmm.. well, i used to be like this two years ago.. like i never get myself involved with anyone.. i'm happy just being with myself.. don't care if i don't have someone i can call my own.. what important is, i don't have anyone who has the power to hurt me.. heartbreak had turned to be unbearable that i never wanted to taste even a bite of it.. thought that i'll be safer if i'll have just myself with me.. until somebody broke my guards.. it was not a thing that i expected.. err.. 3 love interests in a year? haha.. i should be kidding.. but nah! i'm serious.. damned serious!

and now, i'm back to my quiet world.. well not that i'll leave those friends i'd made online.. i still get in touch with them.. they're my treasures.. and it's a good feeling being with them.. really! :D

RHEINZIE. i see her as everybody's bestfriend.. she always gets to make others feel welcome.. she had built good reputation to everyone and i admire her cuz of that..

JULZ. she's someone you can talk about anything. even those delicate topics weren't hard to discuss with her and our opinions most of the time are the same..

ZIEL. still my "human diary".. yeah, i tell her almost everything that is happening to me.. i'm comfortable to share to her even my darkest secrets.. (so as with julz)..

RAAI. i might sound like i'm over reacting but this person is the kindest person i've ever met! also the best girlfriend anyone could have.. hey! she's not my girl but i can see how understanding she is and how she sees things in a nice way..

OWEN. this girl is good.. though we used to get into arguments, still she's one of those people who i feel so lucky to have.. she's someone who knows how to adjust with the people around her.. but know your limit cuz she can be a dragon once you pressed the wrong button..

JEAN. we seldom talk now but still she's one of those people i treasure.. i do hope she'll be back again.. sooner..

PAU. she might just be one of those teens but she thinks big.. you might be surprise once you get to talk to her.. she knew a lot about life even though she's still young..

THETA. broad minded. matured and a good friend to have.. she can make conversations lively..

ABY. funny, wacky, but wait until you see the serious side of her.. scary! well, she's someone who knows how to value her friends..

HAMZ. if there's one thing i could best describe this girl, that would be what yuri-san once quoted, "that quiet girl over there".. she seldom talks so you'll have a hard time knowing what really is going on in her mind..

I've Been Tagged!

2008-02-25T16:43:00.006+08:00

tagged by: uhm.. hehe.. can't mention the name..

5 snacks I enjoy:
- mr. chips
- tostillas!
- nova (cheese)
- pizza! yummy!
- jollibee burger.. yum yum!

5 songs I know all the words to:
- It's Your Love Gil Ofraim
- Closer To Me Five
- Truly Madly Deeply Savage Garden
- Everything And More Billy Gilman
- Kiss Me 'Til It Bleeds Nina Gordon

5 things I would do with a million dollars:
- fly my parents on their dream vacation
- a mac notebook :D
- house and lot for each of the family members
- visit my dream place, Japan..
- take my special someone on a romantic trip for a month.. lolz..

5 places i would runaway to:
- tallest possible place i could possibly stay
- japan!
- edsa shangri-la hotel? :D
- sampaloc manila? ;)
- best places here in the Philippines

5 things I would never wear:
- skirt!
- shoulder bag..
- stuff which is too gurly..
- a mascot costume.. haha..
- sleeveless

5 favorite TV shows:
- roswell high
- ellen degeneres show
- madtv
- game knb?
- beat the geeks

5 bad habits:
- sarcastic when i'm annoyed..
- i stay late and wake up late..
- i know now how to smoke and drink.. (but not really a habit)
- i spend most of my time in front of my pc..
- sleeping with a cat though i have mild asthma.. ^_^

5 biggest joys:
- my family..
- my pc..
- my childhood..
- my close online friends..
- music!

5 fictional characters I would date:
- squall leonheart
- chikane himemiya!
- yuki nagato
- hikaru of strawberry panic
- tweety! lolz

5 people I tag to do this:
- cRiszieL, RheinZie, juLz, weNz, aYa seNsei