Critical Conditions

I hold the hands of people I never touch.
I provide comfort to people I never embrace.

I watch people walk into brick walls, same ones and over and over again, and I coax them to turn around and try to walk in a different direction.

People rarely see me gladly. As a rule, I catch the residue of their despair. I see people who are broken, and people who only think they are broken. I see people who have had their faces rubbed in their failures. I see weak people wanting anesthesia and strong people who wonder what they have done to make such an enemy of fate. I am often the final pit stop people take before they crawl across the finish line that is marked: I give up.

Some people beg me to help.
Some people dare me to help.

Sometimes the beggars and dare-ers look the same. Absolutely the same. I’m supposed to know how to tell them apart.

Some people who visit me need scar tissue to cover their wounds. Some people who visit me need their wounds opened further, explored for signs of infection and contamination. I make those calls, too.

Some days I’m invigorated by it all. Some days I’m numbed.

Always I’m humbled by the role of helper.
And, occasionally, I’m ambushed.

- Stephen White

Solitude

If I were to describe my heart now, it would be broken, bleeding and covered with ice.

And that ice is the one that’s making it feel numb. Yes, the coldness sets in. My heart just finally gave up hurting. My mind finally stops thinking too much. Earphones on my ears, sound volumes to the extreme, music so loud that I am letting it flew my mind into somewhere else, to the dreamland where heartache never happens.

I am living now with myself and I have to learn dealing with it.


Living in solitude and not loneliness.

Clueless

Here I am, facing a blank page of notebook while handling a pen, trying to gather all my senses to be able to write a good piece of junk! I want to pour out all my emotions and there’s no way I can express them but through writing.

Am I being unreceptive again? Or could it be the other party? Hell! Why is it so hard for me to balance things and situations? When I care, I care too much that I often mistaken it for love. Or am I still mistaken? For I think I’d stopped believing in that special feeling. Do I still know the meaning of love or have I forgotten how to love?

There’s this ‘someone’ who I love talking to. Like my days isn’t complete without having a good conversation with her. I remember telling her how I would like to know this one particular person ‘cause I think that person is worth having a conversation with. And this is what she’d told me: “Good conversation, is that all you want? She might be something but don’t you want to have someone you can call your own?” Her words hit me like they keep on repeating in my head. “Someone to call my own?” It made me stop and paused for a while to analyze my life. Experiencing an unbearable heartache had thought me to play safe. Like all I want is to have a romantic moment with the one I like or love without being attached. The journey went on for six lame years. Yep, I had felt love for couple of times but never had the courage to be attach, yet still hurting every time things turned out the way I don’t want it to be. I lack confidence and I believe I can’t be a reason for someone’s happiness. That I can only add up to someone’s burden. Like saying, “I love you but I don’t want us to be together ‘cause I can’t fulfill all you need.”

A good friend and a confidant told me, “if you want to be love the way you wanted to be loved, learn to love yourself first.” And this is where the problem lies. I love and care too much for other people to the extent that I am forgetting to leave some care for myself. As the song says,

“I tear my heart open
I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel.”

Let’s go back to that someone who had made me realize what’s missing in my life. Yes, I felt attached with that someone. I thought she means something when she told me, “I don’t want to be just something, I want to be ‘someone’.” Darn! When I asked her what she means, she told me that it is for me to find out.

I am someone who is so much into sensible conversations. Non-sense things or topics I see as unhealthy for me. I pity those who does nothing but to talk about other people’s lives not realizing that they’re worse than those who they’re talking about. I am someone who sees and analyzes things in a different way. I think too much and there were times when my mind just gave up analyzing and absorbing things, which are too much to handle. Rude as it may sound but I am scared of being influenced by insensible people around me. Yep, I laugh and talk with them but never let me drag into non-sense topics. When the conversation doesn’t fascinate me, I tend to just keep quiet. And since I’m deep, I go for someone who has the equal deepness personality as mine. I find it challenging to talk with people whom I can test my knowledge. Err.. Am I being too deep that no one is able to dig what’s really within me?

Uhm, am I being unfair with the people around me? That I still feel alone despite of this huge crowd I’m spending my days with everyday? Or is it because they’re not simply who I need. Right now, there’s only one person whom I’m sharing my sentiments with. Though we may knew each other online, she’s a very good friend whom I can trust all the things that’s going on in my life.

Until now I’m clueless which path to take. I need a good transformation. I need to start thinking for my future and the life ahead of me. There are lots of things, which I need so I guess I have to start minding about my life. Start valuing my existence more than anything else. I don’t know what’s in store for me but I believe that I am already prepared for whatever this challenging world will throw up on me.

I resigned myself to thinking. – loislearns

Unwithering Flower

I was walking around when I find myself in a garden full of blooming flowers. All of which are beautiful but one rare flower caught my attention. It blooms shyly under the warm sun but its beauty can never be hidden. Mesmerize by the way its petals open, I decided to pick it up. Unaware of its torn, I cut myself. The blood began to drip but I ignored the pain. I know what I did was wrong because sooner, the rare flower will start to wither. I went home, staring at the rare flower on my palm. I was thinking of the best way to preserve its beauty but couldn’t think of any. I took a book from the shelf, turned the pages one by one, finding the right spot to put the flower. Stopped at page 143 then inserted it. But as I browse from pages to pages, I found withered flowers that are also inserted inside the book. I came to realize that I already collected a lot. But the beauty of that rare flower that wounded my finger will be one of those most precious ones.

Insight:

i am employed in a company with lots of pretty faces but one face stands out from the crowd.. she caught my attention and i started to go after her.. i tried to win her but she just caused me pain.. since she already know that i feel something special for her, she began to move away.. i know it's my fault why the friendship got drowned.. and now the only ones left are the memories we had together that i kept within my heart.. looking back, i came to realize that i had liked and loved a lot but that one i met in this company will always be one of those who has been so special to me..

Unquenched Love

Do you ever wonder why everytime we read romance novels or watch classic movies; we often dream that it is us who are in the story? How we wished to be rescued by our charming prince and be awakened by the touch of our lovely princess. But that is only in our fantasy because as we woke up on our real world, here comes the heartaches that brought so much by our endless dreaming. We let our minds be blinded by it only to be disillusioned in the end because what had happened to us is far from what we are dreaming of. We blame it to others but the truth is it is us who really made our life more miserable…
“Hi Angelle! Would you mind if I sit beside you?” approached Mark.
“No. Here, take a seat.” said Angelle.
“Thanks.”
They were at the library that afternoon.
“So how are you… a-nd Vic?” asked Mark.
“Getting worse. It’s been days since we last talked. I have no idea what’s going on with him.” as Angelle’s tears began to fall.
“Oh, c’mon. Maybe he’s just busy. Save your tears. He’s not worth it.” Mark trying to cheer-up Angelle.
He hated how Vic treated his best friend.
“What do you mean?”
“Hey, nothing. I just want you to stop crying.”
“I see. I thought you were trying to say something. Thanks then. You’re in-deed a friend.”
‘FRIEND’. That’s the most painful word he had ever heard from her. He wants them to be more than friends but what can he do when it’s Vic who occupies Angelle’s heart. And that damn Vic doesn’t even bother to know what’s going on with his girlfriend.
“If only I’m Vic, I’ll promise to take good care of you.,” he whispered to himself.
“Are you saying something? You keep on murmuring.” she said.
“Huh?! Nothing. I’m just playing with my angels.” he answered with a bitter smile.
Mark and Angelle were best friends. Mark was a transferee and he will never forget how they met. It was just an ordinary day. He knew no one. As he walks upstairs searching for his room, he saw a lady arguing with a man.
“LQ?” he thought.
Then he continues going upstairs. It’s still 30 minutes before his first class and he’s the only one inside the classroom. He waited until a lady came in crying. The same lady he saw arguing with the man. Seeking new friends he asked the lady.
“Hi! Are you an engineering student, too?”
No answer. Just a nod and the lady continue crying.
“Here, wipe your tears.” as he gave his handkerchief to the lady.
“Listen, I saw you arguing with that man downstairs. Is he your boyfriend?” he continued asking.
Needing someone to cheer her up, she nodded.
“Well, care to tell me your problem? I’ll be willing to listen.”
Not minding that he is still a stranger she began to tell what really happened.
“I saw him holding hands with someone. He said she was just a friend but I don’t believe him because I saw how he caressed the girl he is with.”
“And then?” asked Mark.
“Hell! What would you feel if you saw your girlfriend on that situation?!” Angelle shouted unaware of the students coming into the room.
“Me?! Perhaps I’ll be mad but I won’t cry.” he answered.
“Of course you’ll not cry. You’re a man. But what about us? We girls, are serious in every relationship we commit unlike guys who feels that the more girlfriend they had, the more handsome they were.”
“Ouch! Don’t speak like that. I’m a man and I know that not all of us is like what you’re thinking.” said Mark.
“Yah. Not all of you… but most of you were like that!”
“Not me.” Mark came to a defense.
“You’re not one of them?!” as she rose her right eyebrow.
“Yes you are! You’re the king of ‘em!” she began to smile.
“Yeah. That’s better. You look better when you smile.” praised Mark.
“Okay, enough. Our professor’s here!”
“Oh, I’ll just sit beside you, okay?”
“Sure.” she answered.
“By the way, what’s your name?” asked Mark.
“I’m Angelle, and you?” she asked him back.
“My name is Mark Reyes. Nice meeting you Angelle.”
“Nice meeting you, too.”
It’s been months since that happened and here they are again. Same scene. Trying to cheer-up his best friend.
“Okay, would you promise to stop crying if I’ll invite you for a lunch?” he asked.
“Silly! You don’t have to do that. I’ll stop crying if that’s what you want. I’m sorry.” Angelle apologized.
“Sorry for what?” Mark asked.
“Sorry for giving you problems.” she replied.
“Oh, c’mon, we’re best friends and it’s my pleasure to see you smile.”
“Thanks. By the way, I heard about Liz liking you. Why not grab the opportunity. She’s a good catch.” Angelle teasing Mark.
Yah. She’s good but I don’t love her. I love somebody else.”
“Somebody else? Whoa! My friend is in-love? So who’s the lucky girl that catches your stone heart?”
“I can’t tell you now but once I catches her heart you’ll be the first one to know about it… ‘Cause it’s you.” having the last three words whispered.
“If you only knew that it’s you I’m dreaming of every night but I know I’m only a friend to you.” Mark talking to himself.
Days gone by but the feelings he had for her remains unchanged. He love her even more but the fear of losing her best friend helps him in controlling his feelings for her until a chance came in…
Mark heard a knock from their door. As he opened it he saw Angelle, again, crying.
“Vic broke-up with me!” she sobbed.
“What?! Tell me what really happened.”, as he lead her to the sofa.
“He calls me up. He told me his parents would petition him. He’s going to the states.”, as her sobs become louder.
“Hey, stop crying. If you are destined to be with him then time will come and you will see him holding you. Just wait, okay? I’m still here, your best friend, if you feel pain then I felt it twice. I do care for you and I don’t want to see anyone hurting you. I love you! Please don’t cry!”
“I’m sorry if I’m making it worse. Thanks for understanding me.”
He must be happy because he had already told her what he really feels but there’s no response to the words.
“Maybe this is not the right time. She’s still broken hearted. I can wait.”, he thought.
Days passed by and he felt that this is the right time for him to tell his feelings for her.
“Hi Angelle! Can I invite you for a dinner tonight?”, he asked.
“For what?”’ asked Angelle.
“I got good grades in Digital Fundamentals.”’ He answered.
“Oh, that’s great! Okay, pick me up at eight.”
“Okay then. See you tonight my girl, I mean Angelle.”, as he left with a smile on his face.
Night falls as he drives the car along the North Expressway. Turning right to Balagtas exit and straight ahead down to the last house built right beside a broad field. He fells the coldness of the air blowing right from the window of his car. It’s only August but the air blows like it’s already December. He gets off the car, walked to the front door and knocked. A lovely princess opened the door. Of course it’s his friend Angelle.
“Good evening. Where’s everyone?, asked Mark.
“They’re in my Aunt’s house. I didn’t go with them because I had promised you this date.”, she answered.
“I’m sorry. Anyway, can we go now?”, he asked.
“Yah, sure.”, she said.
“By the way, congratulations!” as she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Thanks! Let’s go then.”, he feels like heaven on that simple kiss.
He took Angelle to a restaurant not far from her home.
“I have something to tell you, Angelle.”
“What is it, Mark?”, she asked.
“Well, it’s about us. I mean, my feelings for you. I know you already have a hint that you’re special to me not only because you’re my best friend but also because… “I love you! You’re my inspiration. You’re the reason why I got good grades.’, said Mark.
Angelle’s eyes widened. Was this her friend Mark? She never saw his eyes this serious before. She knew that Mark wants her more than a friend does but she’s not taking it seriously because her heart was occupied by Vic. But Vic was gone, long enough to mend her heart and it’s her best friend Mark who is always beside her. Will she going to accept his proposal? She felt nothing for him.
“Mark, are you sure with what you feel?”, though she knew he was more than serious but she want proofs and the words from his mouth is enough to make her believe.
“Yah, I’m sure. I longed been kept this feeling because you had your boyfriend Vic. I know how much you loved him but he’s gone and what you need is someone who will help you moved on.”
“I know I need someone to help me moved on but you know how complicated my life is. Do you want to make your life miserable because of me?”
“I’m willing if it means having you. Through that I can show you how much I love you.” Mark said with sincerity in his eyes.
“You know how much I love Vic and until now you know that I still love him. I can’t promise to give you the kind of love I had given him.”
“Yeah. I know you loved him that much but I’ll take it as a challenge. I’ll do anything to win your heart. I’ll try my best to make you fall for me.”
“If you’re sure about yourself and I know how sincere and insistent you are, I’ll accept you now not because I already love you but because I hope by time I’ll learn to love you. Please give me enough time to do that.”
“Thanks. I promise I will never make you cry.”, he smiled but he can’t hide the sadness in his eyes. He wants her so bad and he don’t care what will his life be as long as he is with her. He will never forget that night, August 23, 2001.
Although he expected his life to be miserable, he can’t believe he will suffer so much. Every time they talk, Vic is always the topic. She always tells how good Vic was. He knew he has the right to be jealous and yet he was jealous but he always remember the set-up of their relationship. He promised to himself that every decision made would be on Angelle’s consent. So if she wants this kind of relationship then he has nothing to do about it. What he wants is for her to be happy even if her happiness means lot of sufferings for him.
“Was this what they called ‘One-sided-love-affair?, he whispered to himself.
But it became worse when Angelle approached him on Christmas Day.
“I think this relationship is going nowhere.” Angelle began.
“What do you mean?”, asked Mark.
“I can’t teach myself to love you. I’m sorry.”
“Why? Did I fail to give you the love you need? I had given you my best!”
“No. You had given me enough love but I guess it will never work out between the two of us.”
“Was that the real reason?”
“Okay, I’m seeing somebody else. I’m sorry.” Angelle explained.
“That’s what I thought.”, he said sarcastically.
“So who’s the lucky guy?”
“Ryan, my crewmate.”
“I see… If you think that’s the best thing to do, then let’s go on with our own… Hope you made the right decision… Wish you happiness… Thanks for everything… Bye…”, as he gave her a warm kiss on her lips. The last kiss he can do for the only person he will love for the rest of his life.
He forgot to say something, he went back.
“Angelle, I want you to know that I’ll always be here loving you. My feelings for you will never change. In case you’ll going to need me, I’ll always be here for you. That’s how much I love you. By the way, would you mind if I came to your house? I’ll just say goodbye to your family.”, asked Mark.
“No problem. Come on the 27th. I’m really sorry, Mark.”
“It’s okay. That’s life. I must accept the fact that we can’t be together. You’re too good for me.”
“Don’t say that! Just wait for the right time and she will come.”
“You’re the only one I’ll be waiting for till the rest of my life. You’re my life! You’re my life. I know I can’t have you. I should go. See you on the 27th. Bye.”
December 27, he’s standing again in front of Angelle’s door but the one who opened the door was Angelle’s sister.
“Hi Pam! Where’s Angelle?”, asked Mark.
“She’s inside… with his boyfriend.”
“You mean Vic is here?”
“No. It’s her crewmate Ryan.” She replied.
“Please come in.”
“No. Just give here these. I don’t want to disturb her with her guy. Thanks. I’ll go. Bye.”, as he gave her three soft-roll cake, her favorite, and three white roses.
He’s a man but he can’t control his tears. He’s mad about the world that gave him too many sufferings. With his eyes blinded by tears, he didn’t notice a truck crossing the street. It’s too late to step on the breaks yet too late for him to be rescued. He died not having experienced the beauty of life.

Angelle,
When you love someone, you have to fight for it. That’s why I’m willing t o fight for you, to make you realize how much I love you. But when I saw the look in your eyes whenever he’s around, I know I lost even before the fight began.”
Mark



Some facts:
the dates were real, how me met wasn’t and my gender also.. I played MARK in the story and the name she used was ANGELLE..

this is the story:
I was playing some mobile games were the server automatically search for an opponent… and yep, she was my opponent on that game.. since no one can guess the word I send her a PM asking for his or her (cuz I ain’t still sure about my opponent) number so we can just text each other instead.. yep, we became very good text pals..

Stories about Angelle and Vic were real, but having been petitioned was just an excuse cuz he really wanted Angelle to move on and forget him..

We became lovers when Vic and her was still together only with this condition..

“You know how much I love Vic and until now you know that I still love him. I can’t promise to give you the kind of love I had given him.”

You can read the date there.. that was real but something was missing on that part cuz I just found it out after we broke up.. two days after we became lovers, she also agreed to be a girlfriend of one of her text pals.. tsk..

The reason for our breakup I believe is also an excuse.. she told me that her mom finds out about us so that she has no choice but to break up with me..

Her story with Ryan is real too.. Angelle is a working student by that time and Ryan was really her crewmate.. darn! One time when we’re heading back here from Pangasinan, I asked my dad if we can drop by on McDonald’s Balagtas.. of course I didn’t told him why I wanna go there, but definitely my mom knows.. and yep, i had a chance to see her before her duty.. and also after that, while heading back to the van, I met this guy on my way and I have this strong feeling that he’s Ryan.. I dunno where I get that instinct but it was confirmed that he was Ryan.. Angelle told me that when she texted me after that meeting..

Oct17, few days before my 17th bday, I received the best gift.. she visited me here and we slept together..

Nov21, she made a way to visit me again..

Dec 27, we broke up..

So there It is.. my lame story.. thanks for reading! Godbless!